I don't know when "battle station" became synonymous with "nice desk," but I am here to tell you that we have been using the term incorrectly. We were not imaginative enough. My PC gaming desk is not a true battle station. It is not shaped like a giant scorpion because it looks less like a desk and more like a nightmarish mech that might one day come to its senses and develop a taste for human flesh. This is the battle station.

The "cockpit" of the Klubenscorpion is actually motorized and transforms from a "relaxed" tilt to an upright desk. The keyboard tray slides in front of your knees and stays in place (pinched, by the way). The arms, which can hold up to three 29-inch monitors (or a 49-inch ultrawide), fold forward to encompass the entire field of vision. Although Kurvens unveiled this chair only a few days ago, I honestly can't believe it hasn't been featured in a movie about evil hackers.

One could easily imagine this chair in action on the battlefield. It's practically droidekas already. Just snap off the monitor arm at the end and use the jagged metal and exposed cable as a stinger. It's a terrifying image for those who have a phobia of insects or carpeted floors. I have seen designs similar to this variant of the desk, but none with scorpion legs, which changes the whole atmosphere considerably.

Cluvens knows the absurdity of the image it is projecting here and of its creations. The company's website states, "Scorpion's claws look a little sharp, but they actually have rounded corners. So you don't have to worry about getting cut by the horns."

The company's website also states that the "Scorpion's claws are rounded, so you don't have to worry about getting cut by them.

Somehow, I still worry. The "Precautions" section says, "When adjusting the cockpit, do not place any part of yourself between the mechanical moving parts,"

and also says to stay away from the cockpit during the initial set-up. I am not going to speculate on how much of a failure that can be. On the bright side. It is also a massage chair.

"The chair even has massage and heating functions so you can enjoy quality time while turning yourself into the ultimate villain," the site says.

Scorpion is made of "industrial carbon steel," and the electronics come with a two-year warranty. It weighs up to 276 pounds (124 kg), slightly more than the Scorpion itself. It is priced at $3,299 and comes in only one color, black. And, of course, it has built-in colored LEDs. This is a true battle station. Someone needs to play Crysis on this thing.