Here at PC Gamer, we are disciples of science. From hardware to software, from Counter-Strike strategies to Starfield guides, everything we do is guided by a fundamental respect for the principles laid down by Aristotle and others, with the goal of providing you, our readers, with the broadest and deepest information possible. We have in mind to provide you, our readers, with the broadest and deepest information possible.

So when Potato Chips Doritos announced that they had released a very silly AI noise suppression tool intended to "cancel out the crunch" when eating Doritos while (presumably) playing games with friends, we immediately knew what we had to do Science. Science was needed and I had to do it.

I devised a rigorous empirical test to measure the effectiveness of Doritos' new technology, using the popular British Crisp 5 brand and Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment, which was within reach. Ignoring warnings from my own body, I created seven videos to determine how Doritos Silent would fare against the crisp crunch from both Doritos itself and its myriad rival brands.

Someday there will be a museum named after me.

Anyway, let's get started. Below is a series of videos, two control vids (one with the Doritos Silent software activated, the other without), and five crisp-based tests.

There is not much to discuss here, except the quality of the Blue Yeti microphone, which was given to me by a friend, and my taste in interior design. Nevertheless, this is the standard by which I will compare all subsequent videos. Keep it firmly in mind.

Alexander Graham Bell called Thomas Watson, Isambard Kingdom Brunel built the Rotherhithe Tunnel, Konstantin Tsiolkovsky drew rocket blueprints in a log cabin in Kaluga, and I Doritos to a webcam. We ate. I must say that the first test was an overall victory for Doritos Silent. Yes, my voice still suffers from the popping sound, and it always breaks off erratically when it resembles the sound of eating a crisp, but can you hear the crunching sound? But I do not hear a crunching sound.

Of course, this is no surprise. The Doritos AI team probably worked on this for years, with the familiar crunchy triangle as a baseline. This could be called a triumph, and it is, but here we are starting on Very Easy mode.

Oh no, I fell pretty far in the first quave. Doritos Silent does an admirable job here, almost muting the many quavers that pass my lips, but what is that at 56 seconds?" it is an inadequate quaver crunch, made too slow and quiet by the Doritos Silent and clearly audible in our recording It is. This is a black mark, not a mistake, but to be fair, everything else was silent. Not a complete failure, but more than a little disappointing given the similar audio profiles of Doritos and Quaver.

This is due to the popularity of this particular type of crisp. I can understand to a certain extent the inability to analyze quavers, but if you were struggling to suppress the sound of a plain, ordinary salt and vinegar crisp, you would be laughed out of the lab. You would be laughed out of the lab; there is a very slight crunching sound at around 49 seconds, but it is not something that your friends on Discord would notice. Other than that," pure Dostoevsky, baby.

I hate Wotsits, a kind of edible packaged peanut that melts as soon as it comes into contact with moisture and tastes like the backside of a couch cushion. As an added bonus, the Doritos technology completely muffled the sound of the act. It's a victory for Doritos over Wotts, but there's always a new challenger in the corner.

I don't know if Americans have hula hoops, but it's relatively easy to explain. Developed by Soviet regional authorities in the early 1950s as an inexpensive and abundant building material, hula hoops resemble extruded bolt washers in shape and drywall in texture. If anything could frustrate the silent softness of Doritos, it would be this very toothsome loop.

And guess what? Frankly, this is a Doritos Silent failure. It breaks through the sound barrier about a minute into the show, interrupting the flow of Raskolnikov's Christian salvation story and ruining a game session with a friend who was going to eat a hula hoop. I had high hopes for this technology, but it did not live up to those expectations.

Don't uninstall Discord yet. For all its marketing boasts and disturbing image of Doritos in your ear canal, Doritos Silent Software is nowhere near as good. Sure, if you choose Doritos themselves as your snack of choice, you might be able to take advantage of this snack, but if you're looking to reach for other snacks, this technology won't be able to keep up. Sorry my friend, but the scientific answer is no.