Miriel, the sworn herder known in Elden Ring as the turtle dog that everyone wants to pet, has been turned into a plush toy by Youtooz. The sudden urge to crush him with both hands may have been the first violent feeling I ever had for this guy.

For those who have never played Elden Ring, Miriel is a big turtle in a pope's hat who hangs out in the Church of the Oath; if you've played Elden Ring and haven't found him yet, here's a guide to that.

He's also the calmest NPC in the From Software canon, just barely holding off Solea, known to fans as the "Sun Brothers." And now he's in the real world. You can pet him. I'm glad he's alive.

The exclamation point-delimited description promises that the plush toy is "9 inches tall," "100% PP cotton and stuffed to the seams," and "absolutely perfect for cuddling." It looks like a standard stuffed turtle with a papal hat attached to it, which is fitting since Miriel in the game is literally a turtle wearing a hat.

The stuffed turtle Pope will only be shipped to the United States and Canada, so my British heart is filled with white-hot rage and bottomless sadness at the price of US$29.99. There are some less cuddly Eldenring items, such as the first iron Alexander statue and the Melina statue, but neither will ever hold a candle to the tortoise pope.