Look, I'm no expert on home decorating. But I can say with certainty that I would not want to bring a date home with a three-foot pile of plastic poo on the coffee table.

But it has now become a very real possibility. First 4 Figures, which has made figures for games like "Dark Souls" and "Silent Hill" in the past, has created this great monster. This giant statue is as big as a person's torso and depicts the Great Mighty Pooh, the boss from Rare's popular dingy collect-a-thon "Conker's Bad Fur Day"

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The Great Mighty Pooh is a musical writer of sorts, singing operatic grind songs and bringing you a literal shit-stained, stinking death. Throw toilet paper into his mouth to defeat him, and if you played this game back in 2001, you will soon be able to relive the experience of confronting a giant pile of shit in your own living room.

Here's a preview of this guy in motion, courtesy of IGN. It is horribly silhouetted and shrouded in shadow. Probably to protect my brain from the mental damage that imagining it on the kitchen table is doing to me.

First 4 Figures' Twitter page politely offers it at a discounted price: "See a fascinating front view of the Great Mighty Pooh statue," I am commanded. I don't want to see it, but I can't look away.

Seriously, the statue is lovely in every detail, a physical reminder of Rhea's charming and vulgar cult classic. I commend the sculpture for the bright yellow corn shining from Mighty Pooh's mouth, the neat stone detailing around the base, and the defiant conker that comes with it. But it is large anyway.

Indeed, the Great Mighty Pooh is a stage presence, a diva of disgrace. It makes sense that a statue that attempts to capture his essence is literally impossible to ignore, hide, or flush down the toilet. Reservations for the statue will open on August 3. I myself will probably get a nice vase or something.