The Super Mario Bros. movie hits theaters this week! But whether or not it destroys your childhood (Chris Pratt says it's safe to say he would), the critical response has been surprisingly mixed, with neither condemnation nor praise. In other words, it pretty much sucks.

The Guardian, for example, described the epic, directed by Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenick, as "boring and flat in every sense of the word," while simultaneously referencing Dostoevsky. Alternatively, The Independent has a very brutal headline: "Chris Pratt's generic heroism is matched by the film adaptation's comfortable mediocrity."

The latter review, while noting that "the film is as good as written by an algorithm," grudgingly admits that "nods to Mario lore" (in other words, Easter eggs) abound and are "charmingly staged."

The BBC review is surprisingly free of harsh one-liners, but does offer some interesting observations. It states, "The filmmakers are clearly so convinced that they have a franchise that can't fail that they haven't even bothered to do any world-building," debunking the inconsistencies in Princess Peach's origin story. The Associated Press, on the other hand, described it as "an hour and a half's worth of superlative marketing," and Mashable gave it a negative review, saying, "It's like one long commercial."

The non-gaming press has had a handful of positive reactions: Entertainment Weekly, somewhat less convincingly, all wrote that it was "pretty fun" and also praised its brevity; Variety was less modest, calling its originality "contagious," while also noting that video games are "like one long commercial. and, at the same time, finds space to kindly remind us that video games are "essentially a computer fantasy in which you are in control. [Sibling site GamesRadar gives the film three stars out of five, assuring Mario Mania that "there's plenty of 'Yahoo' and 'Let's Go' in the film's meticulous worldview." That's good enough for me; IGN gave the film an 8 out of 10, even while noting the "paint-by-numbers plot." Thankfully, this is a "Mario movie for everyone," and it makes up for all its sins.

GameSpot (opens in new tab) is upset that Yoshi doesn't appear. However, reviews there are also favorable, even stating that "Chris Pratt doesn't ruin the movie," while a lukewarm review from Polygon described it as "a sermon for Nintendo devotees, their children, and a few others."

In other words, unless you're looking for a Mario adaptation to rival Citizen Kane, this prophecy is probably a positive one to ensure the safety of your childhood. It's no "Last of Us," of course, but the general vibe is that if you like Mario, you'll love it. The Super Mario Brothers Movie hits cinemas on April 5.